Wedding Expos give out free swag. Go to them.

Today was the day of a big wedding expo that I just HAD to go to, despite the fact that my Mom ended up not coming and Fiance was like "I want my bed" and stayed home. After dropping off a movie that I'd borrowed from a friend, I went to the hotel two hours early, to wait in line for this expo. The line, by the time I got there, was in the basement. It was here I learned that the Omni does not heat their basements.

Apparently, this Expo was giving out free 8-Day Honeymoons to Mexico and free wedding band sets to the first 300 people. And I'd be damned if I didn't get within the first three hundred. (And I did, aha!) Pearl necklaces and earrings were also distributed (sweet) and then there were various other raffles throughout the day. There was food, and booze and cake. There was even cake with booze in it! It was glorious.

However, despite the fact that I wanted to spend the entire four hours there, I didn't. I ran into Maid of Honor/Fellow Bride and ended up completing my rounds around the room (why are there no florists at wedding expos? Don't most brides want flowers?) and then we left to go to a hookah bar, which was closed. At that point, I just went home. After getting gas and pizza, which Fiance had ordered in the hopes that I would pick it up.

I had bribed the Little Miss this morning with gummy sharks. I gave her one before I left and told her "There's more where that came from if you behave!" She behaved. She received a gummy shark when I got home, and I made her day.

But then again, yesterday she decided that she wanted to eat a ton of gummy sharks, which I told her she couldn't have. So when I asked for a kiss later, she told me. "No gummies, no lovin'. No sharks no love." Repeatedly.

But I did get her to pose for several pictures, because she dressed herself yesterday (after pulling out half the clothes in her dresser) and it was cute.

At least she didn't do too bad on the matching front. Though my office was kind of destroyed by the time I found out where she was, as you can tell by the papers on the floor.

Seriously, if you ever have kids, throw all hope of ever being organized ever again out of the window. It isn't going to happen.

Why I would lose a fight with a two year old.

I realized yesterday that if I were to ever enter a boxing ring and fight against my two year old, I would probably lose.

"Why?" You might ask. "She's two? Are you that weak and pathetic that you would lose against a two year old?"

Let me let you in on a little secret: I'm convinced this child is not just a normal two year old. 

For starters, she's over half as tall as I am. I'm 5'0". She comes up over my waist. This can be explained through her father, who is also freakishly tall at 6'5". (I actually had a lady ask if I have to stand up on a step stool to kiss him. The answer is no, I don't. He has to bend down and I have to stand on my tiptoes. However, if a step stool is around, I sometimes will use it to even the playing field, so to speak.)

Another reason, is that she's vicious. A little kid came up at the playground and hit her in the back. She retaliated by whipping around and kicking him in the testicles. The cat got in her way while she was on her quest to get into the cat food while I was trying to fix the TV, and she sodomized him with a fork. That cat didn't come inside for days.

She also has this habit of grabbing onto your nipples, and will not let go no matter what to do. I don't care if you're Danny Trejo - if there are thirty pounds of laughing, amused toddler swinging back and forth and holding onto your nipples, you'd fall to the ground in pain too. 

                                                       See? He doesn't like the sound of that.

Little Miss finds your weak spots, and she uses them for her own enjoyment. Does she need to mercilessly grab onto your nipples with a Death Grip that will frighten Chuck Norris away? No. But she does it anyway. Why?

Because while you're screaming and doing everything in your power besides bashing her over the head with a $145 psychology textbook, she's having the time of her life. She will fall down, pulling on your sensitive ta-tas even more, and swing back and forth, laughing at your tears.

Of course, I discipline her for it. Does that ruin the amusement factor for her? Of course not. She thinks it's funny, Daddy thinks it's funny....hell, even my own parents think it's funny. I apparently, do not get the joke.

In conclusion, my freakishly tall, vicious two year old can totally take me down in a boxing match if she ever uses the Toddler Nipple Death Grip again.