Level of Productiveness Today - 3/19/11

Goals

1. Have a picnic with Little Miss
2. Do dishes
3. Do laundry
4. Pick up House
5. Organize DVDS
6. Give bath/Take shower
7. Make a grocery list for Fiance to pick up at the store
8. Read 'Things Fall Apart' for History since Spring Break ends Monday.
9. Do Homework for the upcoming weeks, so I will not be scrambling at the last minute...like usual. 
10. Play more Dream Day Wedding
11. Play more Marvel vs. Capcom 3
12. Watch a movie with Fiance when he gets home.
13. Go to bed at a reasonable hour.

Let's see if I can do any of these, shall we?

Actually Accomplished

1. Have a picnic with Little Miss  - Yeah, this was semi-successful. She was more worried about playing in the yard and attempting to pick up all of my flowers than eating. And when she did eat, she crammed it all into her mouth at the same time. As for the bread, well, the birds should be eating well.
2. SURPRISE ACCOMPLISHMENT - 12:53 PM - LITTLE MISS POOPED IN THE BIG POTTY! YAY! 
3. Take showers - Well, both Little Miss and I ended up taking a shower. This means my legs did not get shaved, but luckily, this time I got to wash my hair before the hot water turned ice cold.

After a nap, everything went off track. I cooked. I played outside. And now I can't see this super moon that everyone is going on about. Thanks trees! Hmph. At least I tried.

Kind of sorta devastated

So, tomorrow, I'm dropping Little Miss off at the babysitter, because I need some time alone. I need to think. Because honestly I don't know what to do.

I went to the gynecologist on Monday, to find out what's going on with my ovaries, and I learned that they're not functioning properly. They're causing me a lot of pain, due to a large amount of cysts that are growing on them, and I have to go through all these labs and ultrasounds and things like that. I have no problem doing that, at all.

But he mentioned my ability to have children. He said I might not be able to have any, if I wait much longer, due to the state of my ovaries and I'm only 21. Even if I get pregnant, there's a good chance that I would have a miscarriage. I thought I would have more time than a month to decide whether or not to get pregnant in the near future, you know? And Justin says 'no, we're not having any kids right now. I want to give you a child, just not right now' and I can't help it, but I feel like shaking him and screaming 'IF I DON'T HAVE ONE NOW I MIGHT NEVER HAVE ONE!' then bursting into tears. I feel irrational and stressed out and selfish because I want to have a baby before I can't have one anymore. I don't care if they have to remove my ovaries or whatever right after the birth,  I just want one.

I've been feeling down and depressed and worried and I just want to be left alone because I don't know what to think. Everyone but Fiance, family included, is just telling me that I should try to get pregnant now. But Fiance's refusing it. I'd like to say that I understand his reasoning behind it, and I do, to an extent, but I just don't think he understands how I feel about it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love Little Miss. I love her with every fiber of my being, and I wish that I'd been the one to give birth to her. And I'm not saying I'm going to treat her like a stepchild - she will always be my daughter - I just want to experience being pregnant, having a baby, being there the whole time and raising the baby from birth, not just walking in when they're almost two. And I feel selfish for wanting that too. I feel selfish and ridiculous for even writing this. I don't have anyone really to talk to, because it's either I'm told to get pregnant by family or told no by Fiance and I want to talk to my doctor about it but I can never get a hold of him! Ugh.

Is it wrong that I'm feeling like this? I think it is,  I think that I shouldn't be like this but I am and it hurts. Fiance says he'll love me anyway, but how am I supposed to love myself if I can't do the one thing that almost every woman wants to do?